Rock, Island
[This, from 28 Sept 2010. Wow ... so little things change.]
I am sometimes really amazed or impressed at how alienated I am. I'm a relatively nice guy -- I don't take advantage of people, I try to do things for others, I work well in groups, I'm dependable, relatively emotionally stable, have good hygiene. Perhaps my poor sense of humor drives people away.
Yet I am completely alone. Everyone I try to befriend betrays me. Perhaps that's because the ones I try to befriend are all losers, I should admit first, but still...
I've done enormously expensive things for Jimar ... and he left without saying goodbye, without giving a reason. I suspect it was because he was afraid I was going to sue him for the thousands of dollars he owed me, and because he has an idiot for a father, but we were on good terms before he left and I continued to be generous and he betrayed me.
Angel, too -- I've been enormously generous there -- a home, clothes, food, helped buy his first bike and have bought parts for his second bike. I've allowed him to abuse my credit card, adding nearly $1200 when he didn't have permission and hasn't spoken to me about it. He avoids me, disdains me, ignores me, though I've never done harm to him.
Young Gary likes Angel, but isn't too impressed with me. I'm apparently too boring. Angel has a Mac, Angel has a guitar, Angel likes to play. I like to work. I like to study. I like to read. Gary wants Angel, but doesn't care if I'm around or not. He's a good kid, and I need to remember that he's 16 and will be attracted to other adolescents, like Angel.
I do have friends at UH, though it's difficult to get together with others since I live so far away. I went with five to a concert at the Duck Sunday evening and was glad to be around them. They treat me as equals, as normal, even though I'm slightly out of touch since they spend so much more time with each other, and I know just "school" where they know more "social." But still, they're friends and I had a good time. But they wanted to go back to someone's apartment after the concert, while I had to return for my long drive and my obligation to Gary. Then, too, Kent and I get along well, but again, too, he lives on the other side of town. I have no one in the area I could just hang out with.
Tried to have lunch with Malele the other day; even that was strained, and he owes me money. That's one thing I have to control -- I must maintain my own sense of money and stop thinking that giving money to someone will make them a friend. That's never been successful, and I'm owed well over $10,000 by "friends" to whom I've given money. That's so sad.
I am sometimes really amazed or impressed at how alienated I am. I'm a relatively nice guy -- I don't take advantage of people, I try to do things for others, I work well in groups, I'm dependable, relatively emotionally stable, have good hygiene. Perhaps my poor sense of humor drives people away.
Yet I am completely alone. Everyone I try to befriend betrays me. Perhaps that's because the ones I try to befriend are all losers, I should admit first, but still...
I've done enormously expensive things for Jimar ... and he left without saying goodbye, without giving a reason. I suspect it was because he was afraid I was going to sue him for the thousands of dollars he owed me, and because he has an idiot for a father, but we were on good terms before he left and I continued to be generous and he betrayed me.
Angel, too -- I've been enormously generous there -- a home, clothes, food, helped buy his first bike and have bought parts for his second bike. I've allowed him to abuse my credit card, adding nearly $1200 when he didn't have permission and hasn't spoken to me about it. He avoids me, disdains me, ignores me, though I've never done harm to him.
Young Gary likes Angel, but isn't too impressed with me. I'm apparently too boring. Angel has a Mac, Angel has a guitar, Angel likes to play. I like to work. I like to study. I like to read. Gary wants Angel, but doesn't care if I'm around or not. He's a good kid, and I need to remember that he's 16 and will be attracted to other adolescents, like Angel.
I do have friends at UH, though it's difficult to get together with others since I live so far away. I went with five to a concert at the Duck Sunday evening and was glad to be around them. They treat me as equals, as normal, even though I'm slightly out of touch since they spend so much more time with each other, and I know just "school" where they know more "social." But still, they're friends and I had a good time. But they wanted to go back to someone's apartment after the concert, while I had to return for my long drive and my obligation to Gary. Then, too, Kent and I get along well, but again, too, he lives on the other side of town. I have no one in the area I could just hang out with.
Tried to have lunch with Malele the other day; even that was strained, and he owes me money. That's one thing I have to control -- I must maintain my own sense of money and stop thinking that giving money to someone will make them a friend. That's never been successful, and I'm owed well over $10,000 by "friends" to whom I've given money. That's so sad.