A Climber of Trees (Private)

Put Elvis down on Wednesday 7 July. At 1:00 a.m. Monday morning the 5th, he was sleeping in my bed and started seizing, rolling over and over. I tried to calm him down, thinking that this was one of his heat seizures that he's sometimes had since he was young. But this was different. I could see the fear in his eyes, and he started to cry in ways I've never heard him cry before. After half an hour, I called the emergency animal clinic to ensure they were open, then drove him there. They immediately put him under sedative and I returned home at 3 a.m. The 5th was a holiday, so I didn't work, but worried instead about Elvis all day. An afternoon conversation with the veterinarian explained that when he started to come out of sedative, he would start rolling again, indicating that this was not just a simple seizure, but likely something neurological. I began to think about putting him down for good. Tuesday morning I transferred him to my personal veterinarian and they watc...

At least tell me why you hate me so much. I think I may deserve that; something about respect. Because the gross silence is only an indication of hate, nothing more. Tell me why I'm such a bad person, because that's what I'm feeling. If I can't even hold onto a friendship with another guy, then I have to be so ugly and corrupt that I can't/shouldn't even venture for any real friendships or other relationships. That's what I'm feeling. I imagine that you've blocked all my messages, or changed all your contact points, just to ignore me; so this message is in vain. But I still hold out hope that there's something that might make you stop the mocking and derisive laughter -- the jokes you tell your real friends about me and all the shit we did together -- stop the mocking and pick up the phone and just talk. I know you have better friends up there. I know you have good family up there. These things I can't replace. But I keep telling myself...

Hope the DVDs got to you; I insured them, so if anything is missing, should get something back. I'm frustrated, you can imagine. I just want our friendship to resume, like it was. We lived in the same house for nearly a year, did lots of stuff together, talked about lots of stuff, road trips, camping, all over Harris Co, a few minor illegal things -- I thought we had a good friendship going. You took care of me when I was sick; I took care of you when you were sick. I trusted you with everything. I'm only saying this because I liked that, needed that. That you're not talking to me is hard. Honestly, if you had been killed in an accident, I wouldn't feel any worse than I do now. I apologize for that image, but that's how hard it is. I didn't have any real friends for the past year except for you, and you've been the best of friends. We had problems, but I think real friends do have problems. Even until the day before you left for OK, we were enjoying each...

"Failure is an option, but fear is not." -- James Cameron, film director, 2010.

Write a letter to my future self: could be very scary -- this is one I'm not going to do at this time, but may reconsider. Get out of the comfort zone: the social thing has to be the most important zone for me; I'm comfortable in a routine that avoids people and insulates me against contact and real friends. I need to spend less time with college students and more time with classmates and perhaps pipers Put someone up to a challenge -- perhaps a weight loss challenge with Dorian, or some cycling challenge with Martinez. Identify your blind spots -- following the discussion in the first post, a brief list of things that annoy me: Children in public, especially unsupervised, while parents are oblivious in their own worlds litter obese people eating to eat public profanity lateness ... this isn't working; these are just gripes, and I don't think this is showing much about my blind spots Ask for feedback -- will. I will ask students for feedback this week and will...

42 Practical Ways to Improvement I'm going to attempt this entry without the drama or self-defeating attitudes or false humility. 1. Read a book every day -- well, not now. Too busy with reading to read books. 2. Learn a new language -- probably should focus on learning an old language, so what can I do to strengthen my French? Write to Joanne en francais Read a news RSS en francais Seek out one article en francais on topics I'm researching anyway, to practice the vocabulary and see it in practice. 3. Pick up a new hobby -- like bag-piping? Check. So far, one out of three, possibly two out of three. So far, pretty good. 4. Take up a new course. No time. Too busy taking courses. 5. Create an inspirational room. This is a good one. The living room is/can be inspirational. Will need to ensure that occupants understand this. So, perhaps three of five, even four of five. I must be improving without knowing it. 6. Overcome fears -- like what? This needs a prompt in of itse...

Agency -- The Path to Power and Achievement Communion -- The Path to Love and Intimacy

8:28am Bruce Tried texting you. Are you ignoring me again? 8:28am Jimar phone not working . i tried texting you to . to find out what you needed me to research 8:28am Bruce Msg there. But I need to know if you're going to DP today. 8:29am Jimar no not today. do you need something that is out that way?? 8:29am Bruce Yeah, I forgot my text for my seminar this afternoon. But never mind. What's wrong with ph? 8:29am Jimar its no problem i can go get it. 8:30am Bruce No, not worth your time. Thanks tho. I appreciate your friendship 8:30am Jimar dude sseriously it wont be a bother if it makes things easier for you. i dont mind driving to get something you need . 8:31am Bruce I really appreciate that, and I believe you. But it's not worth the 45 minute drive to/from and gas $, etc. My stupidity and lack of organization. I can't keep everything in order any more. Too much shit going on. And may be getting worse Anyway, topic is panspermia in film/tv ...

Been going to LSC gym this week, 2x. Some wt lost, but ate a lot of food yesterday. Too cold to go out today. Intend to start at UH gym this week as well. Almost staying on top of my readings for my seminars, but falling behind on my grading for LSC and UH. Several hours on that today. Jimar and I ok, not great. Was glad I invited myself over to Pew's last Sunday; it was the right thing to do for me.

Worked for a few hours on UH and LSC stuff, syllabi mostly. LSC's requirement to post syllabi on-line is aggravating considering that their system doesn't work. Still, since my core value appears to be career advancement, I did what I could to advance my career for over an hour yesterday Went to lunch with Pew Friday. Even though it had no highlights, it was a good thing to do -- invite someone I trust, simple activity. I may go to some meeting with him this week. Pew knows what's best for him, but I don't feel I need the spiritual component that he seeks. Still, depressed and anxious. While waiting for Pew to show up at Panera, even though I hadn't talked to Jimar in days, decided to reach out and invite him to a hockey game. I also committed to confront him about money. I did the former, chickened out on the latter. So I came home, ignored him and came into my room; he came in and asked what time we would be leaving, but that's all the conversation we had ...

The Kingship of Self-Control We envy the success of others, when we should emulate the process by which that success came. We see the splendid physical development of Sandow, yet we forget that as a babe and child he was so weak there was little hope that his life might be spared. Process, instead of stasis. I tend to look around me and see successful men, but I don't actually emulate their process. I unconsciously believe that they got to their state because of birth and genetics, when many of the people I know are as normal as me, but have made decisions to make them successful.  The individual can attain self-control in great things only through self-control in little things. He must study himself to discover what is the weak point in his armor, what is the element within him that ever keeps him from his fullest success. This is the characteristic upon which he should begin his exercise in self-control. Is it selfishness, vanity, cowardice, morbidness, temper, laziness, worry...

The “Secret” to Becoming a Better Man in 2010 Two kernels from this posting: 1. Core values. What are my core values? I would like to say "family," but that's not true. Perhaps it should be -- my birth family should be more important to me. But I think the only core value that I actually value is progress -- career (which includes academic) progress. If career progress is my core value, then I need to do everything that will make me more successful there. For example, instead of procrastinating doing easy work, such as editing a paper that has publication potential, I need to sacrifice some leisure and recreation and edit the dang paper, then look up publication formats, then send it off. If I know a research project is coming up, I must discipline my time and resources to begin early, consider new ideas, edit carefully, and be prepared to discuss. Being physically in shape will help me progress professionally because it will prevent illness, provide more energy,...

What makes me unhappy; what I don't like about me Body -- overweight, soft, lethargic fatigued Social -- no friends; gay associates; not outgoing; rarely invited to social events Discipline -- rationalization; fearful of being seen; too much e-media; behind on reading Finances -- use money to rent companionship; not saving appropriately Quick answers to these: Body -- Running; eating right; weight training Social -- Running groups; attend meetings at UH; time with other adults (bars, etc.); musical scene; actual dating Discipline -- Time management; commitment; "just do it"; reward systems Finances -- assertive about household; budgeting; review values and goals weekly Initial rebuttals to these: Body -- rather read; rather watch vids; don't want people to see me Social -- rather read; rather not spend money/time traveling all over town; schedule prohibits some meetings; alcohol adds wt. Discipline -- tired Finances -- nothing reasonable; rather spend m...