to JLD 22 May

At least tell me why you hate me so much. I think I may deserve that; something about respect. Because the gross silence is only an indication of hate, nothing more.

Tell me why I'm such a bad person, because that's what I'm feeling. If I can't even hold onto a friendship with another guy, then I have to be so ugly and corrupt that I can't/shouldn't even venture for any real friendships or other relationships. That's what I'm feeling.

I imagine that you've blocked all my messages, or changed all your contact points, just to ignore me; so this message is in vain. But I still hold out hope that there's something that might make you stop the mocking and derisive laughter -- the jokes you tell your real friends about me and all the shit we did together -- stop the mocking and pick up the phone and just talk.

I know you have better friends up there. I know you have good family up there. These things I can't replace. But I keep telling myself that the 10 months we shared a house and a city together weren't just a field trip for you, meaning nothing.

I don't bother with people any more. They're all boring and simple-minded. Now that the semester is over, I only go into town to eat and drink and get pulled over by the cops. Otherwise I stay at home and read. I opened up a room to a guy, hoping that maybe he might be cool like my last roommate, but that was a mistake.

So tell me what is so fundamentally wrong with my person/character/manhood/personality that I'm unworthy of any conversation. Tell me why you would even sacrifice your DVDs and clothes to ignore me completely. I know you can respond to texting --- you love to text, and you used to send me texts all the time; you can call -- we talked a lot on the phone even in the same damn house; or send an email or IM -- I've got archives showing you can do this. But I expect that you hate me so much that you've blocked me out and you'll never even receive anything. Because I know you're a good guy and you've never shown me this much hate before. I don't think you've ever shown anyone this much hate, ever.

Sorry,

--
Chuck
chuck.houston1@gmail.com

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